{Wedding-Zilla}

From the time I was nine until this year, I could tell you every detail of the wedding I was going to have. The flowers, the colors, the dress, the food, the cake, the shoes, my bridesmaids (which have changed a few members throughout the years), how old I would be. & if you want to know what my wedding will look like, please feel free to check out my Pinterest board dedicated to all things that I cannot afford. Shoot, I have a pin that has been re-pinned over 2000 times, that should almost make me famous & I believe that I should start gain at least some sort of product commission! I've always set my life on the schedule & in my head I told myself it would be perfect. Just one minor detail, you might have guessed, the groom, is still undecided.

I could've told you about how I'd be happily engaged, at least by the age of 21, & with that deadline nearing, I see my chances of my perfect life timeline falling slimmer & slimmer every passing day.

I watch as my sister prepares to be a bride. I stand by her side as her maid-of-honor as she unwraps gifts after gifts at showers, as she goes through color schemes, & bouquet arrangements. I helped her put on her perfect dress, even as a joke, I said, "This is the one." But she rang a bell & said yes to the dress regardless of my jokes. Who knew I had such a knack for picking such things out.

I lived & breathed wedding after wedding when I was younger. Playing the role of flower girl in several weddings only fed to my fire to have an extravagant wedding of my own one day. I remember feeling so incredibly jealous of other girls who were asked to be in a wedding I wasn't in, so jealous that it would just eat at my insides through the whole ceremony. Some might call it just being a flower girl-zilla, but that zilla-ness has given me a run for my money during my sister's whole wedding process, & I've really had to cool my tail so I don't turn into maid-of-honor-zilla, too.

My whole life, I've just wanted a wedding.

But it hasn't been until recently that I've wanted more than just a wedding day, but every single day after I say "I do." Sure, a wedding is great fun, full of joy & the gathering of two families, but I want more than that. I want times where I am so poor that I go to the grocery store & calculate down to the last penny what I can spend on food. Where the only thing keeping my house warm at night is tension between the bed sheets. I want the struggles & the fights, the times where I literally have nothing but him. I want more than a wedding, I want a marriage. Where I can just look one person in the eye, whether is dry or misty, & know that that person will be by my side through all of my mood swings, through all of the good & bad, through all the medical bills & school loans & thousands of dollars in debt.


I watch my sister as she prepares for a marriage. She takes careful consideration of finances, of job security, of her own, & her fiance's happiness. & I can't help but be jealous of that. I always wanted a fairy tale, & my sister is getting my dream. Marrying her childhood sweetheart. Finding out that after 17 years of friendship, comes many more years of love.

I'm no expert on relationships. I'm in college, I'm barely an adult, I struggle to remember to put my contacts in in the mornings. But what I do know, is a marriage takes more than a now & then. It takes a system of give & take. You have to forgive. You have to build up. I've watched both my parents & grandparents give me the perfect examples of a Christ-centered marriage that I want to someday have. My Grammy & Pawpaw just celebrated their 49th wedding anniversary. My parents will be celebrating their 25th this November.

I don't want just a wedding, I want a forever & always. I want for those to be the words I declare when I announce my love. Not just a right now, not just a "when I feel like it," not when it's convenient to you or to me. ALL THE TIME.

& who knows, maybe God's big plan is for me to be single my whole life. But you know what I say to that? I say, gladly. I would rather be single than to have a marriage that has no love. I never want to have to give back the ring that I was given as a token of love.

As I watch my sister prepare for this marriage, I feel myself grow jealous of her being adored. But in a way that I wish I was getting married, (because trust me, Dylan & I would just not work out,) I'm jealous that she found the guy who will treat her like she is the most precious of gold, who will make her laugh at any time of day, who will give his everything to make her happy. I'm glad I got the experience of watching her fall in love. Just one more example to look up to, I guess.

Congratulations to my older sister, Jordan, & Dylan!

I want more than a wedding, & a ring, & a dress, or the personalized hashtag on InstaGram. I want pure, selfless love, not only do I want to receive it, but I want to give it as well.

From a very wise man, named Herb, I received the best words advice that I have ever heard in my life: "Baby, if his number one goal isn't to get you to heaven, then he isn't worth your time." So I pray that we all wait for him, or you fellas out there shamelessly reading my blogpsosts, wait for her. May God be the center of all of our relationships


Peace & love.
B.