One thing I never thought I would have to try to fix would be the man I fell in love with. For those of you who don't know, my boyfriend has recently come out of a failed marriage. Never would I have thought that I would fall in love with what my faith would deem as a broken man. We've all got our baggage. I just never thought that this would be baggage I would have to mess with. As our relationship grew, I realized that I wasn't trying to fix this man, I was learning to love him.
Getting past the jealousy has been the hardest part, I'm not going to lie, not a day goes by that something isn't brought up in a major or lesser way. Never did I think that dealing with an ex-wife would be something I would need to prepare myself for, but it has been my reality. Knowing how to handle my emotions & feelings toward her has been a constant struggle for me. Learning to look past their past relationship has brought me a lot of internal struggle, but I've learned that looking towards a future has more benefits than dwelling on the past.
But still I continue to love him, day in, & day out.
Every now & then he'll ask me why I'm so understanding. Honestly, I can't give him an answer, because I don't know why. I've never been through this, I've never had to deal with this, nothing like this has ever been in my direct path of life. But through our relationship, I have seen my hope restored. Every day, he makes me smile & laugh. Every day, I am supported & encouraged. He has become my favorite adventure & most prized treasure.
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| John 15:11 "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you & that your joy may be complete." |
Jesus loved a lot of people, a lot of sinners; those who were deemed broken in the eyes of religion. I'm not saying that our relationship is a charity, that this is my service to God for loving this broken & damaged man. We all have our sin we struggle daily with. Big or small, they're all just sins in the eyes of the Lord, I think too often we put a scale on "big" sins & "little" sins, but honestly, a sin, is a sin. I have fallen in love with him because he is a good man, even though he's a sinner, even tough he's broken. He is a kind & gentle man. He makes me smile & laugh. Every day with him is a blessing, is a joy. He makes my world a better place. He restores the happiness in my heart.
I know at the beginning, our relationship worried a lot of people. It worried people we were close to, & people we were not even remotely affiliated with. I was quite weary of it at first, to be honest, countless hours of prayer & hours of thought & conversation were put into the final outcome of our relationship, but allowing myself to actually get to know this man & to know him in strengths & in his weaknesses, only helped both of us to grow stronger, together. Recently, I learned that my grandparents were in a similar situation several decades ago, because my grandpa was able to look past his wife's divorce & still love her regardless. Without his love, I wouldn't be here. & recently, I've realized that I need to be a woman who will love my man, not try to fix him. Just like Jesus loved, rather than fixed.
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| 1 John 4:19 "We love because he first loved us." |
Quite honestly, the past six & a half months have been the most rewarding time of my life. I have experienced so much love, grown spiritually. I have learned to love, I mean really love & learn to trust. I never thought a divorced twenty-three year old man would be the one who would change my life, but because of Joseph, I am no longer a woman who tries to fix everything, but a woman who will try to love & encourage.
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| Song of Songs 3:4 "I have found the one whom my soul loves." |
My soul is happy.
Peace & love.
B.
