{Love Him}

I've always been a fixer. Growing up on a farm, I learned how to work most power tools. With a dad who can fix any problem on a car or tractor, I have always gone to him if there's something I cannot handle. I pick up on trades easily, it's a one & done learning type experience for me. Having a creative mind, I wanted to use my skills to create & craft. For example, I can unclog toilets, put filters on sink faucets, I know my way around a hand wood sander & hand drill just as well as any other guy out there. If it needs fixed, I can usually get it done, & usually with a little Bailey flare.

One thing I never thought I would have to try to fix would be the man I fell in love with. For those of you who don't know, my boyfriend has recently come out of a failed marriage. Never would I have thought that I would fall in love with what my faith would deem as a broken man. We've all got our baggage. I just never thought that this would be baggage I would have to mess with. As our relationship grew, I realized that I wasn't trying to fix this man, I was learning to love him.

Getting past the jealousy has been the hardest part, I'm not going to lie, not a day goes by that something isn't brought up in a major or lesser way. Never did I think that dealing with an ex-wife would be something I would need to prepare myself for, but it has been my reality. Knowing how to handle my emotions & feelings toward her has been a constant struggle for me. Learning to look past their past relationship has brought me a lot of internal struggle, but I've learned that looking towards a future has more benefits than dwelling on the past.

But still I continue to love him, day in, & day out.

Every now & then he'll ask me why I'm so understanding. Honestly, I can't give him an answer, because I don't know why. I've never been through this, I've never had to deal with this, nothing like this has ever been in my direct path of life. But through our relationship, I have seen my hope restored. Every day, he makes me smile & laugh. Every day, I am supported & encouraged. He has become my favorite adventure & most prized treasure.

John 15:11 "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you & that your joy may be complete."

Jesus loved a lot of people, a lot of sinners; those who were deemed broken in the eyes of religion. I'm not saying that our relationship is a charity, that this is my service to God for loving this broken & damaged man. We all have our sin we struggle daily with. Big or small, they're all just sins in the eyes of the Lord, I think too often we put a scale on "big" sins & "little" sins, but honestly, a sin, is a sin. I have fallen in love with him because he is a good man, even though he's a sinner, even tough he's broken. He is a kind & gentle man. He makes me smile & laugh. Every day with him is a blessing, is a joy. He makes my world a better place. He restores the happiness in my heart.

I know at the beginning, our relationship worried a lot of people. It worried people we were close to, & people we were not even remotely affiliated with. I was quite weary of it at first, to be honest, countless hours of prayer & hours of thought & conversation were put into the final outcome of our relationship, but allowing myself to actually get to know this man & to know him in strengths & in his weaknesses, only helped both of us to grow stronger, together. Recently, I learned that my grandparents were in a similar situation several decades ago, because my grandpa was able to look past his wife's divorce & still love her regardless. Without his love, I wouldn't be here. & recently, I've realized that I need to be a woman who will love my man, not try to fix him. Just like Jesus loved, rather than fixed.

1 John 4:19 "We love because he first loved us."

Quite honestly, the past six & a half months have been the most rewarding time of my life. I have experienced so much love, grown spiritually. I have learned to love, I mean really love & learn to trust. I never thought a divorced twenty-three year old man would be the one who would change my life, but because of Joseph, I am no longer a woman who tries to fix everything, but a woman who will try to love & encourage.

Song of Songs 3:4 "I have found the one whom my soul loves."

My soul is happy.
Peace & love.
B.

{Produce Aisle}

I ate the fruit. I was poisoned by this overwhelming feeling of some other love. I ate the fruit & let it spoil my appetite for something other than my Creator's love. I craved the power, lusted with jealousy. I ruined the feast set before me by sneaking a bite from the one sweet I was not allowed to have. But just as I ate the forbidden fruit, but after the Fall & with the Rising, it is by the Fruit that I live. 

I have learned to accept & to grow by the Fruit of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22-23. My joy, my patience, my gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, love, peace, self-control, & my goodness grew into fruit on a tree that my Savior bled & died for me on. 

"If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit." Galatians 5:25

When we recite the fruit listed in the New Testament, there is always an order in which we repeat them. But that doesn't mean they all don't have the same power. Just like normal fruits that we physically can eat, there will be different vitamins & nutrients, sugar & fructose contents, however, it doesn't mean that one fruit is better than another or should be stuck on a ranking scale. I have been trying to recondition myself on learning & using the Fruit in different orders & patterns. 

An apple a day will keep the doctor away -but the Great Physician is here to heal you, to provide you with answers & comfort that you may be seeking. Faith is hard, & it is hard to know if there is really a God out there looking to feed you. Adam & Eve ate from the tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil in hopes of being able to feed themselves with answers, but in return their eyes were opened & they say themselves as vulnerable beings, recognized their faults & knew they had sinned. God reached down & clothed them, but sent them from his garden & they began to labor over the fruits that they were from. Sin entered our world by the bite of a fruit but they continued to plant the fruits in the earth & watched & nurtured them to grow.

My gentleness can come before my patience & joy. My self-control can be shown through love. My kindness will be my joy. The Fruit wasn't meant to be eaten & digested in an order, so we shouldn't program ourselves to produce it in that order. Fruit grows on different seasons & there are times when a pineapple is going to be ripe & when a blueberry will be the perfect purple color. In those times, we must use & produce the Fruit that will real the most benefits for our own spiritual growth & well-being.

At a young age, we are taught about the food pyramid & the five major food groups: grains, fruits, vegetables, dairy, & meat & beans. We have to have a healthy balance of these groups to maintain a strong physical body. If we deny ourselves of these categories, we lack something that could potentially benefit us in the long run. Different foods pair up better with others, as a college student, I'm starting to learn how to plan out weekly meals for my boyfriend & I. Making sure to cover all ground so that we may be filled in the most nourishing, but cheap way. However, I can't only make dinner of rice & beans. We wouldn't be satisfying our bodies, it is not sufficient enough for us to eat only a few things. just like eating three meals a day is recommended to help keep metabolisms rolling & our bodies in check. By bringing in a healthy dose of a variety of foods, we may be nourished & filled. By feeding our spiritual bodies, with prayer, meditation, & worship, our spiritual bodies may continue to grow & be filled also.

So remember to be the Fruit. You are what you eat. If you put in the good fruit, then you will produce good fruit for others to eat as well. 

Peace & love.
B.

{Overflowing}

I love getting the opportunity to spend Sunday morning worship at other sister churches & with other congregations I am always amazed how I can see so many different members of God's family gathered in many different areas of the country serving & praising the same God. Churches have different orders of events, run their worship in different ways, even host pot locks in a different manner, when you grow up Church of Christ, pot locks are a staple in a strong church family. There are always different standards of dress & the child care can take all forms of little to full structure during services. There are always the more conservative churches & the more progressive. But at the end of it all, we are all gathered to worship & honor our one good God. It is all about the common good that is shared from congregation to congregation wrapped around states to countries. The size of the church ranges from thousands to just under a hundred, we've seen them all while taking tour routes for our annual college choir tour.

Sometimes, I think that we spend too much time focusing on the quantity of the worship. We count the hours of the service. Head to the church building Sunday mornings for worship, then trek back on Sunday nights for fellowship. Mark Bible studies and Wednesday night classes off our calenders. Hit up a few workshops. Host youth group events. Take part in a service project. While focusing & counting numbers in church attendance, we forget that these aren't just a specific number of hours we need to mark off to make some sort of "Heavenly Checklist" of good deeds & time spent in a church pew. We count up the offering given up by members. Sure the things & gifts we give are important & our congregational attendance helps our family to grow, we forget why we were called to worship. You can be involved in hundreds of "church sponsored" events, but not have your cup filled. We tend to spend all of our time focusing on quantity & numbers, rather than the actual quality of worship in which we are partaking in. We can dedicate our lives to serving, but not grow from our own helping hands.

The church service that our choir attended this tour was in Garden City, Kansas. We decided to visit during the middle of a snow storm, but made it to & from safely. I sat in the padded pew & listened to the preacher give a sermon on wearing the Armor of God. The song leader lead us in songs with chants of victory, battle cries, & not being afraid with God on our side. What I witnessed & took from this specific church gathering, was that this was an actual church family. These people were vulnerable to each other, genuine. They were open & honest about their fears, like when an elder stood up for the opening prayer, he cried to his family about the stress & worry he had concerning his mother's decisions to be made about her cancer treatments & options. During the communion table talk, the speaker pulled up his eight year-old son & spoke about a plague that could only be cured by the shedding of his son's blood, & he expressed how he would struggle with giving up his son to become the cure for all. He spoke on how Jesus' parents had to come to peace with knowing that that would be the outcome of their own son, & how Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac as an offering to God. What touched my heart the most though, was a young boy, who couldn't have been any older than nine years-old. He stood up in front of the congregation during the congregational sharing & announcement time to thank his spiritual family for their prayer concerning his friend who had been sick. I saw hope in this boy's eyes. He was so genuine & sincere in thanking his family members for their prayers & their concern for his friend's health. His innocent praise of thanks was heartfelt. It was truly a beautiful moments for me to witness. Then once finally all packed on the tour bus, our bus driver offered up a prayer over our journey & travels.

I witnessed a quality worship time while in Garden City. For what I am extremely thankful. The quality of the worship I witnessed this morning gave me hope of being a part of a strong, spiritual family. I all too often fear that there won't be a spiritual influence in my life, but then God slides on in & throws in a "don't worry, baby, I've got you, always." Sometimes God's face is found on young boys. I saw my hope in that little boy today, & I am thankful for times like today that I am able to see God at work.

My cup is full.

Peace & love.
B.