{My Story}

I've always wanted to have some sort of story. You know, a testimony that everyone is so shocked to hear & then they see how you've overcome it. I've always just admired people who have gone through some hardship, but then they had some come-to-Jesus moment & their life got flipped around. That has always been so amazing to me, that a God can turn your entire life around on a moments notice. I am always searching for that moment in my life. I know that sounds weird, & strange, like why would you want something terrible & unfortunate to happen to you? It's a weird thing to wish & to look for. But so far, I don't think I've had a "moment" per say. Sure, there have been times in my life that I recognize as God giving me a V8 slap to the forehead, but not that big thing that astonishes everyone. See, I live a very simple, basic, average life. & nothing good ever comes from average, right?

Wrong.

Though I've never had that "moment" or that "story" to tell, there have been times where I feel God trying to pull me into Him. Trying to embrace me. To show me that His way is better than mine. I think almost anyone can name a specific time when they could almost physically feel God pulled them back into His safety.

But are there ever times where you just feel like Job? Where everything & anything is going wrong. Say you lost a job, got terrible grades, had a close death in the family, or a terminal illness diagnosis, or everything you had was destroyed in an instant? Where you are saying, "Okay God, I see you. I trust you." & you watch as things get worse & you pray for patience & guidance. & then once you feel like literally nothing else could go wrong, there is that sort of relief that things will be okay, that you will be just fine, that God will provide all that you need, because He is all that you need. & with this, you start to appreciate the small things in life, the simple beauties such as a child's laugh, or a fresh flower growing in the yard. Where you begin to see God's awesome, mighty power roaring & reigning in your life.

Or are there times when you just feel like Hannah. Where you're so far gone & so beaten down that words can't even be formed as they leave your lips. where you are crying so hard that you can't move, can't breathe. Where every breath you take feels like someone is suffocating you. Where you're literally on your hands & knees screaming "Here I am, God. Use me." & you scream it over & over until you physically cannot anymore. Then when no one else has faith in you, where you are yearning to have God take a hold of your life, that once He does, you take everything He gives you & promptly, & gladly return it to Him. You praise all that you see, that you have. Where the very thing you wanted was the first thing you promised to Him.

There are times when I am just laying in bed at night where I am feeling just like Job saying there is no way that anything can get worse, & putting all of my thoughts & words into prayer, hoping & trusting that there will be a way to find hope, a way to find joy, & peace. Or there are times I find myself just bawling saying "I don't know what you want me to do, Lord, but use me as your servant." It's like I am reaching & grabbing for something that I don't see, that I know is there, but can't find.

My biggest prayers this year have been to find peace & patience, & to stay joyful through all difficulties & all of the mayhem life has to offer. This year has been difficult. Many things have seemed to go wrong in my life, but even through it all, I go to bed thanking the God of all for my breath, for my life, for giving me the chance to show love & grace to others, as well as myself.

I am the type of person who is very empathetic. I feel for people, I am a sympathetic crier, & a softy when it comes to sob stories & other people's hardships, I feel for them, it honestly makes me hurt to see others in such pain. It breaks my heart to see news stories talking about violence, deaths, house fires, anything that could potentially devastate someone else's life at any moment, because I think, that could be me. That could be someone I know. Life is a game if chance, yes God has a plan for each of us, but we do not know that plan. We can't tell when a plane will go missing or be shot down, we don't wake up in the morning & say, "Hmm, I think my house will be destroyed by a tornado today." We don't go to the doctor wishing that he would diagnose us with an incurable disease. We don't wish for these things, we don't want these things, but they still happen regardless of our desires. My heart goes out to those who are hurting, I pray that those affected by war will one day be surrounded by peace. But life is a chance.

So as I am searching for this "story" that I am supposed to have, I realize, that I do't have to have some novel to tell to be a servant of God, to be a follower of Jesus, to be a lover of mankind, to be light in darkness. I just have to be average, & no matter what I am, be it ordinary or extraordinary, God is waiting to give me my calling, to give me my task, to show me my path, so that I can reach my goal. Just like all of the disciples, who were average men, God used them, just like Hannah, & just like Job, God will use me.

The only thing I need to be is open to Him.


Peace & love.
B.